Listen.

(Because I need to tell you this and right now, I can't find the courage to speak up.)

I'm sorry if I've ever caused you or your friends problems. I don't know who started that rumor or what's even going on here, but all of this tension between us needs to stop.

I'm standing firm on my alibi, and I'm not going to directly blame anyone for any of this (And how can I? I try to speak with others and they refuse to listen). But you should know better than to listen to rumors because they're never true. High school is full of crap like this - you live, and you learn. I don't exactly know what your lesson is, but I know that I never should have mentioned "us" at all to my "friends." (And before you jump to conclusions, I barely mentioned anything at all - no basis for A and B's argument here).

I want you to know that I'm not even angry with you. I actually feel bad because I know how hearing things about you makes you feel; it's a feeling that I'm a little too used to myself. Every day since this has happened I've been wondering if you're okay. To hell with you being mad at me (frankly, I'm over that). I just want to make sure you don't become as cold as I have because I'd hate to see the number of good people in this hellhole dwindle because of a couple of folks who are hell-bent on ruining others' lives.

I'm not really sure how to fix this or make things better. I'll leave things up for you to decide. But I want you to know that I really do apologize for all this mess. Maybe if we hadn't spoken, things would be okay. Maybe if my wall were thicker and higher, people would back down. But, you and I are two people who are extremely weak-natured - it's inevitable that something would happen.

I'm just sorry things happened like this. At least forgive me for trying to make things better, regardless of the culprit.

Life.

Why is it that the second I'm finally happy again, something bad happens? I mean, is it completely intentional to make my senior year suck as much as possible?

Right now, I don't even know what's going on. I have so many questions, yet no one will answer them. I refuse to leave this stupid place with blood on my hands. I need closure, and, as much as no one else wants to, they're going to talk and they're going to give me those answers I need.

Being the only mature person in a sea of losers is probably the hardest thing to realize about living in this place.

Weekend.

This weekend has been pretty fun.

Mom picked me up from school on Thursday afternoon and we left EKY behind for Evansville, Indiana. I had Academic Scholar Day at UE the next morning so it made sense to get there the night before and stay. We got to Indiana in a little under 6 hours. Naturally, we went to Target and ordered Domino's. It was a fun time. =)

We were almost late to the university the next morning because we overslept. I took a theory placement test. I didn't know anything that was on the test, but I tried my hardest to answer everything. I ran into C****. I miss that kid - I never get to talk to him anymore. =\

Buuut anyway, we stayed in Frankfort on Friday night at Mom's best friend's house, and the next day we went out to Lexington with her friends. Jodi and Jill are pretty freakin' cool, not gonna lie.

I hope I got a little bit of scholarship money. I really do want to go to UE.

Standing.

"Where I Stood" - Missy Higgins

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey you know me it's all or none

There were sounds in my head

LIttle voices whispering

That I should go and this should end

Oh and I found myself listening

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

See I thought love was black and white

That it was wrong or it was right

But you ain't leaving without a fight

And I think I am just as torn inside

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

And I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call

You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all

But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you

This is what I have to do

'Cos I dont know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

'Cos she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

Oh, she who dares to stand where I stood

Enough.

For once in my life, I would love to be "good enough." This past month has only reminded me that, no matter where I go or what I do, that will never be the case.

I'm not smart enough. I'm not thin enough. I'm not tall enough. I'm not nice enough. I'm not mean enough. I'm not pretty enough.

I just wish that I could be happy again. I haven't been that way since I was at GSA. I almost took a fucking knife to my forearm last night because I found the mere idea appealing. Not even four hours of dance this week has helped me get some of my frustration out (usually, that's my only ticket to sanity). I can't focus on anything because no matter where I go, something or someone is constantly reminding me of everything I'm trying to forget. Everyone is mad at me for whatever reason and I just feel way too poetic about my life (moreso than usual).

Maybe tomorrow will be better. It's going to hurt me if I keep harping on this during UE Scholar Day on Friday.

[Almost] Broken.

I've never actually had my heart broken, but I think what I'm feeling right now is awfully close. I don't think I've ever felt this hopeless/desperate in my life. I've never trusted a boy in my life and I'm sure as hell not going to let anyone in again.

I don't believe in love. He may have slightly rekindled my ability to think that maybe that belief could dwindle (and no I was never in love with you - don't flatter yourself that much), but I was dead wrong. And until someone can actually achieve the great feat of breaking down the wall and actually MAKING me believe, I never will.

Nice try, Garrett. Better luck next time.

Flashback.

Honor Choir trip last year. My solo is 1:06 in.

I like to think I was the shining star of the country medley(s). No one else was as lively. =)

Stupid.

I officially do not believe in love. Or infatuation. Or any of that romantic shit.

I wish I wasn't so stupid.

I wish I were normal. I wish I were pretty. If I were both, I probably wouldn't be having these problems.

Why do boys insist on trying to hurt girls? It's kind of shitty for people to do that. I'm going to blame the entire male race for all the eating disorders, self-mutilation, and suicide among the female population of the world.

Three in a row is just too much for me to bear. I'm going to give up entirely.

Too bad prom dress sales are final because I don't want to go at all anymore. It's not worth it.